By Laura Stevens, Wings for Justice Advocate
If your child comes to you with the abuse, always believe them and if your child has not admitted to abuse but you suspect abuse then do all the things one would do if they knew of the abuse.
- Believe your child if they tell you anything remotely related to abuse
- Validate their feelings
- Do not interrogate the child about the abuse, follow their lead. If they want to talk about it, listen to them in a calm and supportive way.
- Make a police report, consider getting a restraining order depending on the severity. See the following section: II. H: Domestic violence/abuse police report and Restraining Order
- Make sure the child gets into counseling as soon as possible. If you even suspect abuse, put your child in counseling as this may become a safe place for them to open up about the abuse.
- Return to a normal routine as soon as possible.
Things you can say and should not say to help your child heal:
- I believe you. (most important factor for a child to heal from abuse)
- It is not your fault.
- I am glad you told me.
- I’m sorry this happened to you.
- It is not okay for anyone to do this to you. It is wrong.
- You are not alone, many other children have experienced abuse.
- I am angry and upset at the person who did this to you. I am not upset with you.
- I am proud of you for being brave and telling me.
- It is important for you to talk about it with people you feel safe with.
It is important that the child eventually opens up with other people (therapist, school officials like the counselor or teachers, police) besides the protective parent. In court, the protective parent will most likely not be seen as credible but rather be seen as trying to conspire to alienate the abusive parent from the child. What the child says to the protective parent may be considered hearsay and the child’s words may not be considered credible due to the age of the child.
You cannot force a child to open up with other people but you can lay the foundation for the child to eventually do so by getting the child into therapy with a therapist he/she likes and trusts and will be willing to open up to in time. You can tell the child to trust people that you trust. Once the child is old enough, you will need to let the child know that you alone as the protective parent cannot stop this abuse. The child will need to tell others about the abuse, and keep telling others until he/she is heard and is no longer subjected to that abusive parent/person.
Unfortunately, if the child is being abused by a parent then the child speaking out about it to therapists, authorities or even child services may not initially protect the child. The system rarely protects children from their parents. Even if you don’t get help from the system to protect your child and your child is forced to continuously see the abusive parent, you have to persevere and continue protecting your child as best you can and in the ways you can.
Your job as a protective parent is to help your child get through with the least amount of damage as possible and with all the help you can get. That is why all the above is extremely important. Getting your child into counseling, having your child speak the truth to as many people as they safely can and letting them know and learn that this abuse is not ok will enable them to speak out against the abuser sooner rather than later. It may take a decade or more for the child to get to an age where they feel physically strong enough, not to mention emotionally strong enough to speak out against the abuser publicly by either refusing to see them or being willing to testify against them (and at an age where the court will allow such testimony).
It is crucial that at the time they do speak out against the abuser, evidence has been piling up against them. Tracking behaviors in school, tracking behaviors at home, tracking peer interactions over the years will now come into play. Therapy sessions, social services interactions and documentation logs will all come into play. These years of behaviors, problems, legal interactions, documentation logs and the child’s refusal to see the parent and/or being willing to testify against the parent may be where the case pivots in your favor.
There comes a time when the court cannot ignore the child’s refusal to see a parent because the child can physically run away and/or basically cause a commotion. Also, there comes a time when a child’s testimony, while it may not exactly be called credible, it can no longer be considered not-credible. Except for rare instances, a child will not be permitted to testify on the stand but rather will be permitted to speak privately with the Judge in chambers and without either parent present.
The age in which the child is allowed to state his/her preference of who he/she wants to live with varies. Some states rule 14 years and older the child has a right to choose and some states will consider child preference depending on the age of the child and the maturity of the child. Every state is different and regardless of the state’s rules, judges don’t always follow the rules and even if preference is considered it does not mean that is the way the judge will rule. Regardless, your job as a protective parent always remains the same and you want your case to be as strong as possible when the time comes for you and your child to fight once again in court.
| States | Child Preference? |
| Georgia, West Virginia | Yes If the child is 14 or older, the child has the right to choose the custodial parent. |
| California | Yes If the child is 14 or older, child has the right to testify in court regarding the preference of custodial parent. |
| Indiana, Utah | Yes If the child is 14 or older, the judge may consider the wishes of the child. |